Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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