new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I met the friendliest cop last night
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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