i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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