how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
