I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
