New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Shame - the story of my life.
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