Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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