Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i dont even know how to be here
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
