Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
