Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
