you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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