How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Duck Duck Cougar?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize