i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
