I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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