If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
