I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize