Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
