I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
