i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
