i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
