He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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