there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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