does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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