you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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