A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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