when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
