did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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