i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
