the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
