i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
