Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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