I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize