Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
