I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
