Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
