Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
