I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
