Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize