so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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