oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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