Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
