my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
my poor anus
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
