The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
