I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
