I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize