Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
