Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
