having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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