Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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