it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
