i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
