dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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