Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
