I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
