i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she pinky promised me she was 18
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize