okay pat passed out under dana's car
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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