Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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