So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
