Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
