He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
