How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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