I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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