Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
