last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
