Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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