You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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