In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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