Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
