dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you didnt know i had herpes?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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