after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize