Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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